It all tumbles down

What do you do when your life as you know it ends? How do you pick up the pieces and start over? How do you force yourself to care enough to even continue living? If I had any idea how bad losing true love felt, I would have never answered that message on myspace. People change, but how can you completely give up on a person you claimed to have loved within the course of a week? How can your whole perception change within a four month period? I know that our emotions will do what they want to do, but WE are in control of our actions. Only we can make the choice to follow through on our thoughts and feelings. What did I do wrong? Was I too lazy? Not fun enough? Am I unattractive? Did I cry one too many times, or say no once too often? Where did I go wrong? I was lost in the comfort of love. I was lost in the feeling of safety. I gave myself, fully, with no question. With trust in my heart, and a smile on my face, I tore down all of the emotional walls I had built over years and years of hurt. You promised forever. You promised that it would be you and I. I did everything in my power to make you happy. I fought my mental illnesses, I fought my physical issues, and I fought all of the feelings of doubt and fear that crept into my heart. I feel empty. I feel like you have come and lifted me up, loved me, and dropped me from a 60 story building. For what? A woman who has a 5 o'clock shadow at the end of the day. Who snores like a wildebeest, and is a social retard. For a woman who is just plain ugly. For a person who is absolutely filthy, and has no problem with having her food in a refrigerator with old food and hairs all over the inside.For a woman who is so desperate that even after hearing that you referred to her as a "man with tits and a pussy", that it wasn't just her, she could have been anyone, that I am your "supermodel" and she is your "manly woman", that you were still sleeping with me, etc. still stays with you. For a woman who takes no blame for the situation and claims that since I agreed to try out the polyamory situation in the beginning that she is innocent in all of this. After I sat you both down and told you I was hurt, destroyed, and that I couldn't do this; she is still swinging from your nuts. I don't understand this weird fetish for the homely circus freaks you find. Every time we would go out you would hit on the ugliest woman in the room. When you leave someone for another you are supposed to upgrade to a better person. I am not perfect. I have made so many mistakes, and done and said things I am not proud of, but I deserve better than this.  You told me you were bored. That we weren't fun anymore. That all we did was sit around, watch tv, and play on our computers. What have you done with her every night since we arrived here? Sit on separate couches, and play on your laptops. Eat food and watch tv. She said she would never come between us. That if you left me she would never be with you. She is a FUCKING LIAR. The reason she is so pissed right now is that I told her to her face that she was a home wrecking piece of shit, and did it right in front of her friend. She is humiliated, and embarrassed, and I am happy about that. It is about time she showed some kind of emotion. Why did I love you so much? I met you, and you were "separated" but still living in the same house. You kicked your ex out, and after 5 years of being with me you are still married to her. Your only priority is yourself. You are selfish, and don't care who you hurt as long as you get what you want.

I tried so hard to make this work. I tried taking a bath with her. I tried to open myself up to her. In my heart I knew that you had replaced me in your heart with her. Even as you swore up and down that nobody could take my place, and that you wouldn't leave me, you knew that you were lying. How can you wake up, and look at yourself in the mirror? How can you live with yourself knowing how you took me from the sweet loving woman I was to this bitter bitch that I am now. I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost myself a long time ago, and never even knew it. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!! I have cried every single day since we got to new orleans, and I feel like I am dying. My chest hurts, my stomache aches, I am sore all over, and I just want it to end. You have no respect for me. Saying you were gonna take a nap and coming out of the room with her stink all over your face. Then you wouldn't even tell me the fucking truth. You looked like a piece of white trash with the hickey on your neck, and I don't care if it was an accident or not. For you to sit in the room right next door, and be intimate with her where I can hear it is really shitty. The thought makes me want to vomit. I am so sorry that I am not a frumpy, bearded, circus freak. I am sorry I am not a mousy person who is introverted and a racist. I am sorry that my whole life doesn't revolve around cooking and eating. I may be disabled, but there is still some life in me. I gave you my world. I was going to take care of you when you got old, and couldn't care for yourself anymore. I wanted to share the rest of my life with you, forever. Did you ever really love me? Were you ever happy? Was this whole relationship a lie? Did you just stay because it got comfortable? I think that you may need professional help. I know I do. I am just as much to blame as you. I tried to do this thing. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to be happy. I am so tired of hearing you say you are sorry, and that you never meant to do this, or make me feel like that. If you truly cared you would have ended this whole thing the second I said that I was not okay.

Where can I go from here? I know that I am inside here somewhere. Where have I gone? I desperately need to find myself again. I feel so alone. I feel like dying. I feel like I am helpless, and hopeless, and useless. I feel hurt, anger, abused, terrified, shocked, fury, fear, irritation, hopeless, stupid, pathetic, ugly, inferior, worthless, guilt, selfish, bitter, vengeful, suicidal, and I want to break shit. I want to tear down the world. I want to tear you down, and tear her down. I want you both to know how it feels to lose. After all of her sad sob stories about her husband cheating and leaving her, how the fuck can she do this to me? She cannot take the moral high ground. She is down here in the shit, filth and mud with you and I.

I don't think that my emotions have ever been this intense in my entire life. I cannot believe that I gave someone else this much power over me. I can't believe I trusted. Like a child, I opened my heart, with pure intent and hope. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved back unconditionally. To know that I would never be alone again. To know that someone would always be there for me, and have my back. I am just as emotionally drained and exhausted as you. Even after all of this bullshit, I feel bad for causing drama. I think I must be wired wrong or something.

Why did you make all the promises you made? Why give me all of the false security, knowing that it was going to end? I don't even know how to begin to move on from this. How do I start over again. After spending years building a life with you, how do I start over alone. I keep wondering if I really am losing my mind. Am I really insane? Have I completely lost it? I have nervous breakdowns like every damn day. My only solace is that I am intelligent enough not to lose my cool entirely. I may yell and fuss and scream, but I will always hold all of that fury inside. I am not normally an angry person. I hate drama. I hate fighting. I hate all of this bullshit. I just want to go away. I want to slide into a coma, and wake up with everything back to normal. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?? Damn I need a long nap.