My cover of Sail by Awolnation

Hopper is ferocious!!

Froggy Vloggy 10-19-2011

My brain is twisted

Random thoughts: I am still here at the 'rents. Things are ok, and then they go bad, then they are ok. I really need to get the fuck out of here. I am getting into the habit of doing things differently here. I read for a bit until I fall asleep at night. I wake up every day by 11 at the latest. I get up, shower, brush my teeth and make my bed. I usually eat a piece of fruit or something around this time. Good habits are something I need. I turned into a totally different person before, and I don't really like who I was. I always want to wrap my love around people, and make sure they know that they are safe and loved. Now that I lost my soulmate I feel pretty empty. My heart just doesn't feel right. I am fighting that feeling every single second of every single day. I keep wondering if I made up the whole relationship in my head. I thought we were the couple of all couples. I thought we had everything in each other. Am I real? Are you? How do you know? Couldn't it be that we are all in our own little universes and we make our own reality? That everything is just a thin layer of words, actions, and different roads we choose to take. Underneath that layer, we are just all dreaming. Sounds sorta matrixish, but seriously. How can something that made me feel so good turn around and destroy me in the same breath. I wonder how long it will be before I stop thinking of him, and her? How long before my heart heals? Will it ever heal, or will I carry this emptiness forever? A scabbed-over wound, festering for the rest of my days. I know that every time I think of them, I tear the scab off again, but I don't know how to "get over it". I feel very odd. Music is keeping me alive right now. I seriously would lose it completely if I didn't have my music. The internet is fucked up here again. The guy supposedly fixed it yesterday. Good job, shitbird.
I have a few guys in my brain lately. I am feeling it is more a lust thing than anything else. I swear that my mind is so like a guys mind as far as sexuality is concerned. I am not addicted to porn like my ex was, that was really hard to deal with. It is like his dick really did do all of his thinking. Pretty sad really. Being perverted is one thing, but being a creepy freak is something else entirely. I put up with alot of shit that I never mentioned or complained about. Isn't love taking a person, positive and negative pieces, and loving them unconditionally? Half the shit I did, I never would have even thought of if it hadn't been for him. The porn, his disregard of his daughter, the way he let his ex treat him, the fact that he is STILL legally married; yea.. he left me for another person, and he is still married. After 5 years with me, he couldnt find the money to do the divorce. He bought us bicycles, and a new macbook, and moved us to nola, and took all these vacations, but he couldn't afford to get a fucking divorce??? Thank GOD I didn't have kids with him. I feel so bad for his child. I let alot of shit slide. Love will turn you into a crazy person. Ahhh.. fuck it. This is how my brain works. I will go off on a tangent and then my mind automatically comes back to him. It is driving me up the fucking wall. We had some good times, but I almost wish we had never met. I can't believe that I bought into the true love/soul mate fairytale. Anydamnways. I need to figure out a way to get my belongings from nola. I need to find a way to bring in money on a regular basis, get my own place, get a vehicle, and REBUILD. I don't even really know where to start. I am so very confused. It should be easy, but I am still trying to get my disability, and I know for a fact that I cannot work a fulltime job. I am worried about even getting a part time job. My mom is about to go back to work, so I will be stuck here, alone, with no vehicle. I have started on making myself a better me. Eating better, rarely drink soda anymore, taking walks, eating smaller portions, and taking better care of myself. Sometimes I hate being me, but I am all I have and if someone doesn't like me FUCK THEM! I want to go back to blonde. I wanna make my lipring less noticeable. I am getting my class back. I am just not used to living like trailer trash, and I can't live that way. Don't get me wrong, some people, like my ex'es mother for instance; live in trailers and live wonderful lives. I envy the happiness and freedom they have. They have carved out a niche of life, and that is where they want to be. They have their own little piece of life, and they take care of it to the very best of their ability.
By trailer trash, I mean tacky, trashy. Not caring about having filth around my food, or cockroaches taking over my home. I can't do it. I may not be as much of an ocd cleanfreak as my mom, but I am more about clutter than filth. Now even that clutter part of my personality is changing. I am a badass bitch. I have a big heart, and so much love to give. I am smart, and pretty in my own way. Thinking back, I was a pretty fucking phenomenal wife/gf. His loss.

Froggy Thoughts August 11, 2011

Good news!!!

Froggy thoughts for Monday 08-08-2011

It all tumbles down

What do you do when your life as you know it ends? How do you pick up the pieces and start over? How do you force yourself to care enough to even continue living? If I had any idea how bad losing true love felt, I would have never answered that message on myspace. People change, but how can you completely give up on a person you claimed to have loved within the course of a week? How can your whole perception change within a four month period? I know that our emotions will do what they want to do, but WE are in control of our actions. Only we can make the choice to follow through on our thoughts and feelings. What did I do wrong? Was I too lazy? Not fun enough? Am I unattractive? Did I cry one too many times, or say no once too often? Where did I go wrong? I was lost in the comfort of love. I was lost in the feeling of safety. I gave myself, fully, with no question. With trust in my heart, and a smile on my face, I tore down all of the emotional walls I had built over years and years of hurt. You promised forever. You promised that it would be you and I. I did everything in my power to make you happy. I fought my mental illnesses, I fought my physical issues, and I fought all of the feelings of doubt and fear that crept into my heart. I feel empty. I feel like you have come and lifted me up, loved me, and dropped me from a 60 story building. For what? A woman who has a 5 o'clock shadow at the end of the day. Who snores like a wildebeest, and is a social retard. For a woman who is just plain ugly. For a person who is absolutely filthy, and has no problem with having her food in a refrigerator with old food and hairs all over the inside.For a woman who is so desperate that even after hearing that you referred to her as a "man with tits and a pussy", that it wasn't just her, she could have been anyone, that I am your "supermodel" and she is your "manly woman", that you were still sleeping with me, etc. still stays with you. For a woman who takes no blame for the situation and claims that since I agreed to try out the polyamory situation in the beginning that she is innocent in all of this. After I sat you both down and told you I was hurt, destroyed, and that I couldn't do this; she is still swinging from your nuts. I don't understand this weird fetish for the homely circus freaks you find. Every time we would go out you would hit on the ugliest woman in the room. When you leave someone for another you are supposed to upgrade to a better person. I am not perfect. I have made so many mistakes, and done and said things I am not proud of, but I deserve better than this.  You told me you were bored. That we weren't fun anymore. That all we did was sit around, watch tv, and play on our computers. What have you done with her every night since we arrived here? Sit on separate couches, and play on your laptops. Eat food and watch tv. She said she would never come between us. That if you left me she would never be with you. She is a FUCKING LIAR. The reason she is so pissed right now is that I told her to her face that she was a home wrecking piece of shit, and did it right in front of her friend. She is humiliated, and embarrassed, and I am happy about that. It is about time she showed some kind of emotion. Why did I love you so much? I met you, and you were "separated" but still living in the same house. You kicked your ex out, and after 5 years of being with me you are still married to her. Your only priority is yourself. You are selfish, and don't care who you hurt as long as you get what you want.

I tried so hard to make this work. I tried taking a bath with her. I tried to open myself up to her. In my heart I knew that you had replaced me in your heart with her. Even as you swore up and down that nobody could take my place, and that you wouldn't leave me, you knew that you were lying. How can you wake up, and look at yourself in the mirror? How can you live with yourself knowing how you took me from the sweet loving woman I was to this bitter bitch that I am now. I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost myself a long time ago, and never even knew it. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!! I have cried every single day since we got to new orleans, and I feel like I am dying. My chest hurts, my stomache aches, I am sore all over, and I just want it to end. You have no respect for me. Saying you were gonna take a nap and coming out of the room with her stink all over your face. Then you wouldn't even tell me the fucking truth. You looked like a piece of white trash with the hickey on your neck, and I don't care if it was an accident or not. For you to sit in the room right next door, and be intimate with her where I can hear it is really shitty. The thought makes me want to vomit. I am so sorry that I am not a frumpy, bearded, circus freak. I am sorry I am not a mousy person who is introverted and a racist. I am sorry that my whole life doesn't revolve around cooking and eating. I may be disabled, but there is still some life in me. I gave you my world. I was going to take care of you when you got old, and couldn't care for yourself anymore. I wanted to share the rest of my life with you, forever. Did you ever really love me? Were you ever happy? Was this whole relationship a lie? Did you just stay because it got comfortable? I think that you may need professional help. I know I do. I am just as much to blame as you. I tried to do this thing. I wanted to be with you. I wanted you to be happy. I am so tired of hearing you say you are sorry, and that you never meant to do this, or make me feel like that. If you truly cared you would have ended this whole thing the second I said that I was not okay.

Where can I go from here? I know that I am inside here somewhere. Where have I gone? I desperately need to find myself again. I feel so alone. I feel like dying. I feel like I am helpless, and hopeless, and useless. I feel hurt, anger, abused, terrified, shocked, fury, fear, irritation, hopeless, stupid, pathetic, ugly, inferior, worthless, guilt, selfish, bitter, vengeful, suicidal, and I want to break shit. I want to tear down the world. I want to tear you down, and tear her down. I want you both to know how it feels to lose. After all of her sad sob stories about her husband cheating and leaving her, how the fuck can she do this to me? She cannot take the moral high ground. She is down here in the shit, filth and mud with you and I.

I don't think that my emotions have ever been this intense in my entire life. I cannot believe that I gave someone else this much power over me. I can't believe I trusted. Like a child, I opened my heart, with pure intent and hope. All I ever wanted was to love and be loved back unconditionally. To know that I would never be alone again. To know that someone would always be there for me, and have my back. I am just as emotionally drained and exhausted as you. Even after all of this bullshit, I feel bad for causing drama. I think I must be wired wrong or something.

Why did you make all the promises you made? Why give me all of the false security, knowing that it was going to end? I don't even know how to begin to move on from this. How do I start over again. After spending years building a life with you, how do I start over alone. I keep wondering if I really am losing my mind. Am I really insane? Have I completely lost it? I have nervous breakdowns like every damn day. My only solace is that I am intelligent enough not to lose my cool entirely. I may yell and fuss and scream, but I will always hold all of that fury inside. I am not normally an angry person. I hate drama. I hate fighting. I hate all of this bullshit. I just want to go away. I want to slide into a coma, and wake up with everything back to normal. WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?? Damn I need a long nap.

Happiness

The Ending

My Life.. at the moment

I love Fifi Mahony's

I can feel your halo

Just hanging out today, listening to great music and watching Red Dragon. Got some pretty awesome plans for the next week. We are driving to New Orleans on Friday night, and staying for a week. We will be staying with Heather in our future home. We are planning to move in July or August. It helps to already have a home to go to, and a phenomenal roommate. I feel like we will be going to join the missing piece of our family. It will be awesome. Living here really has stifled our creativity, and made us both depressed and miserable. I can't wait to get home. I will be so much more active, happy, and creative. It will be perfect because the trolley is like a block away. We are going this coming week, and probably at least once more before we move. I felt like I had finally come home when we took the trip last time. I can't really even describe the way it felt. I feel like we can start living our lives again, and having fun. For almost a year we have been trapped here with nothing to do. We simply don't fit here. There is so much to do!!!!
On this coming trip we have quite a bit of fun activities planned. We will be going to the Aquarium, and Mike and Heather will be going to a creole cooking class. I will be having a spa day with massage, pedicure, manicure, and paraffin treatment. I cannot wait. I absolutely love spending time with Mike and Heather. I like having James around alot too, although I think I make him uncomfortable with my exuberance. lol
It is so fun with them because I bring them out of their shell, and they push me back into mine a bit. It all seems to equal out in the end. They are so laid back, and just cool to be with. Heather can make almost anything fun, because of her attitude and her sense of humor.
I think I am going to go play some more Fable 2, then clean our room. Ciao for now all!!!!!

Picking my love up

Froggy thoughts for March 29, 2011

Froggy thoughts for Friday March 25

The joys of owning a pet

There are days in my life when everything seems to go wrong. Days when I have lost all hope, and then I look into the eyes of my cat. He runs to me and jumps into my lap. His purr sounds like a miniature engine, and he rubs his fluffy head all over my face. He curls up in my lap, and continues to purr as I stroke his soft fur. All he asks of us is food, water, shelter and affection.
This has been the case with almost every pet I have ever had. When I was a pre-teen I had a guinea pig named Cocoa. I had a tendency to be overly emotional, as most young girls are, and I talked to Cocoa during these times of upset. She would squeak, and snuggle up to me. It almost seemed like she knew when I was sad, and she wanted to help make me feel better.
I raised my parent's jack russell terrier through her infant and teen years, all the way into adulthood. No matter how bad my day had gone, Hopper never failed to make me smile. Hopper is the reason that I know what unconditional love is. No matter what I was wearing, what my hair looked like, or how funky my breath was; Hopper was always there, excited to see me. With a wag of her tail, and a doggy grin, she never failed to bring my spirits up.
I highly recommend that every single person has at least one pet during their lifetime. Especially a pet from a shelter or foster family.
I will admit that animals are a lot of work. You have the responsibility of ensuring that they are fed and watered, cleaned up after, and provided with  adequate shelter. However, the pure love and joy they bring into your life is definitely worth all of the work. .

For Kao - We are beautiful

Meet the new Kitty

New Blog Test

I am testing out my new blog. WEWT!!!!!!!!!!!!