Random thoughts: I am still here at the 'rents. Things are ok, and then they go bad, then they are ok. I really need to get the fuck out of here. I am getting into the habit of doing things differently here. I read for a bit until I fall asleep at night. I wake up every day by 11 at the latest. I get up, shower, brush my teeth and make my bed. I usually eat a piece of fruit or something around this time. Good habits are something I need. I turned into a totally different person before, and I don't really like who I was. I always want to wrap my love around people, and make sure they know that they are safe and loved. Now that I lost my soulmate I feel pretty empty. My heart just doesn't feel right. I am fighting that feeling every single second of every single day. I keep wondering if I made up the whole relationship in my head. I thought we were the couple of all couples. I thought we had everything in each other. Am I real? Are you? How do you know? Couldn't it be that we are all in our own little universes and we make our own reality? That everything is just a thin layer of words, actions, and different roads we choose to take. Underneath that layer, we are just all dreaming. Sounds sorta matrixish, but seriously. How can something that made me feel so good turn around and destroy me in the same breath. I wonder how long it will be before I stop thinking of him, and her? How long before my heart heals? Will it ever heal, or will I carry this emptiness forever? A scabbed-over wound, festering for the rest of my days. I know that every time I think of them, I tear the scab off again, but I don't know how to "get over it". I feel very odd. Music is keeping me alive right now. I seriously would lose it completely if I didn't have my music. The internet is fucked up here again. The guy supposedly fixed it yesterday. Good job, shitbird.
I have a few guys in my brain lately. I am feeling it is more a lust thing than anything else. I swear that my mind is so like a guys mind as far as sexuality is concerned. I am not addicted to porn like my ex was, that was really hard to deal with. It is like his dick really did do all of his thinking. Pretty sad really. Being perverted is one thing, but being a creepy freak is something else entirely. I put up with alot of shit that I never mentioned or complained about. Isn't love taking a person, positive and negative pieces, and loving them unconditionally? Half the shit I did, I never would have even thought of if it hadn't been for him. The porn, his disregard of his daughter, the way he let his ex treat him, the fact that he is STILL legally married; yea.. he left me for another person, and he is still married. After 5 years with me, he couldnt find the money to do the divorce. He bought us bicycles, and a new macbook, and moved us to nola, and took all these vacations, but he couldn't afford to get a fucking divorce??? Thank GOD I didn't have kids with him. I feel so bad for his child. I let alot of shit slide. Love will turn you into a crazy person. Ahhh.. fuck it. This is how my brain works. I will go off on a tangent and then my mind automatically comes back to him. It is driving me up the fucking wall. We had some good times, but I almost wish we had never met. I can't believe that I bought into the true love/soul mate fairytale. Anydamnways. I need to figure out a way to get my belongings from nola. I need to find a way to bring in money on a regular basis, get my own place, get a vehicle, and REBUILD. I don't even really know where to start. I am so very confused. It should be easy, but I am still trying to get my disability, and I know for a fact that I cannot work a fulltime job. I am worried about even getting a part time job. My mom is about to go back to work, so I will be stuck here, alone, with no vehicle. I have started on making myself a better me. Eating better, rarely drink soda anymore, taking walks, eating smaller portions, and taking better care of myself. Sometimes I hate being me, but I am all I have and if someone doesn't like me FUCK THEM! I want to go back to blonde. I wanna make my lipring less noticeable. I am getting my class back. I am just not used to living like trailer trash, and I can't live that way. Don't get me wrong, some people, like my ex'es mother for instance; live in trailers and live wonderful lives. I envy the happiness and freedom they have. They have carved out a niche of life, and that is where they want to be. They have their own little piece of life, and they take care of it to the very best of their ability.
By trailer trash, I mean tacky, trashy. Not caring about having filth around my food, or cockroaches taking over my home. I can't do it. I may not be as much of an ocd cleanfreak as my mom, but I am more about clutter than filth. Now even that clutter part of my personality is changing. I am a badass bitch. I have a big heart, and so much love to give. I am smart, and pretty in my own way. Thinking back, I was a pretty fucking phenomenal wife/gf. His loss.
